Earlier this week, it was reported that the Washington Post was going to print an exposé revealing that President Obama and Beyoncé are having an affair. The whole thing turned out to be a mistake, or hoax, or maybe drunken French lunacy, which came as a surprise to no one, but also as disappointment to everyone at Fox News.
FIVE REASONS PRESIDENT OBAMA AND BEYONCÉ COULD NEVER HOOK UP
1. Beyoncé is Crazy I Love and Drunk in Love. Neither is actually not covered by ObamaCare.
2. Barack Obama is from Honolulu, Hawaii. Jay-Z is from Marcy Projects. Obama will only be President for two more years. Brothas from the projects don’t forget. Is it worth it for the star of “Obsessed”?
3. They’re both so busy that to have an affair would require them to have technology that can stop time for the two of them, while the rest of us went into a “chrono-stasis”. Yes, Beyoncé could afford this technology, but who would build it?
4. In reality, Sasha and Malia are not Beyoncé fans. If they had a new Mommy, they’d want it to be Alicia Keys.
5. Beyoncé only sleeps with powerful men.